To Rescue or Not to Rescue...

Jeroen discovered a lizard while digging up the well. To 'rescue' the lizard, he placed him in another safe place in our forest where he can find his way and a new 'home'.

​Why I stop being a rescuer and stop playing the game?

As I watch the rain, listen to the rain, in silence, I hear my inner voice.

Stories.

Real stories from our friend. He has muscles diseases and he has been on wheel chair to support him since young. (You can read 'Honesty with Self is a Loving Act.')

He talked about how often people want to rescue him where in reality he does not even need any 'rescue' or help. The people who came to rescue him projected their own stuff on him and 'using' him as the object, reason, excuse to 'rescue'. Often it is their own hurts, wounds that are not healed being projected onto him. Hearing from him that the encounters happened not once but many times, of people having the need to rescue because of their own hurts and wounds.

I shared about the Transaction Analysis Theory. We all know this game.

I uttered. I know what was my tendency - to rescue.  That is why I became a therapist. So did our friend acknowledged his tendency - the need to rescue, that is why he is an advisor in his job. We know why we end up in a particular profession has to do with who we are and in relation to our tendency or need.

I always love our honest heart to heart conversation where we are honest to acknowledge what lies within openly.

I stop long time ago playing rescuer whether professionally and personally from clients to friends to family. I stop playing the games after I was caught in the games many times, ended up hurt & bruise or unconsciously hurt others. I became consciously aware not to play the game after I learnt about the Transactional Analysis Theory in my personal therapy while underwent training. I learnt to identify when I played rescuer. The hardest part is not in the profession but in personal life especially with my own family. When I stop, my life also changes. It is a mindful conscious decision. 

Especially when I was aware if the need to rescue came from a place of anger or trigger, I know there is an area in me still needed to be healed. They are indicators to self something within needed to be healed when I find myself wanting to jump in to rescue.

Rescuing from an angry or wounded place not healed is not healthy. Instead of healing self, we escape, avoid, run away, finding excuses... project outwardly, justifying the need to rescue. It is not coming from a healthy place. That is why hurt people hurt people. Even though it seems like on the surface it is doing a good deed or of good intention. 

I love the honesty of our friend who humbly acknowledges what he has learnt and 'mistakes' he found himself in. And he also stops 'playing' rescuer like giving advice, telling the person what to do and not what to do... ever since he learnt his lessons, the person stops bothering him. Finally, our friend gets it.

I came to see though many work are of good intention, are sometimes not coming from a healthy place. I stopped completely in all the involvement I used to be in after seeing what was going on and around. In the end, I see more damage is done than good with all the conflicts, gossips, backstabbing, complains, personal agenda... instead of true collaboration from a place of love, where it is truly for the greater good of all.  I don't like to participate in gossips, complains... you see me walk away or stop the conversation (Yup, I am very firm these days with my boundary.)

How do you know that you are not playing rescuer?

You let the person find his or her own way and let the person take responsibility for self. You accompany the person to find his or her inner guidance that lies within. Whatever happen, you will not be affected by how the situation is. Ultimately, whatever the person chooses to do, you respect his or her decision. You give the freedom to the person, not trying to control him or her or want him or her to conform in a particular way. You won't know what is going to happen nor can determine what is going to happen. You trust the person will find his or her own way. You value the individuality and uniqueness and for who the person is and truly see beyond and beneath in the person.  

Easy?

No.

Until we are honest with ourselves, and humble enough to acknowledge what lies within - hurts, wounds...that is holding us... heal and love self unconditionally. If not, we will hurt others unconsciously because we are hurt inside. Even though it is of a good intention. What you need is not what someone needs. You think someone needs help but it is not always the case.

The journey in life is 'BE TRUE, HONEST & AUTHENTIC to SELF.'

* The lizard is meant as a metaphor on whether to rescue or not. The way we rescue is to place the lizard in another part of a safe place in the forest and let the lizard find his own way. We can only protect the lizard by making sure that he is well hidden from the birds by releasing him near the bushes. The rest we can only leave and trust the lizard to find his own way. *