I grow, play and heal with FOOD!
I am a Hermit, Mystic & Mama.
I am a Hermit, Mystic & Mama.
I feel ready to return to writing, to share my experiences on this one whole year of Sabbatical and semi-hermit life, living 24/7 in our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden home.
I never really know what was going to happen. I could not see at all the future nor I could foresee what was to come. All I know is the inner guide of my Wisdom told me to take a year of off - Sabbatical. I have chosen a semi-hermit life after 3 years of discernment in contemplation retreat and 9 months of Sabbatical with Nita; and to move to a quiet farm countryside. We call our home 'Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden'.
If I have not lived 24/7 with the Wild, completely with myself, 9 months most of the time alone, in the cold, dark house last year, I entered into a real dark night of my soul. I could not see clearly what was truly going on. All I know is my dear soul friend, sister, Nita, asked me to hang on. Hang on to God. I had been through very hard times in the past. This was even harder than I could have imagine. Why? Because I am fully conscious. Fully aware. Fully presence. With myself. With God. It is always harder to face myself, what lies truly within consciously.
The Wild, our forest are my companions all these while. Lies in the deep Wisdom of Nature and the Wild. I learn much. They taught me much. Especially about God. Especially about Love. For God is love. Love is God. My first day in our forest home began my intimate close loving relationship with the trees and the Wild. Deepening my love for self. Deepening my love for God. God has always infinitely love me. It is I who just cannot receive God's unconditional infinite love fully. God reveals constantly everyday LOVE to me through the trees and the Wild. Telling me 'I love you dearly my child. And I know you are going through a hard time. Hang on there. I am with you always.'
Creep in the dark night, the dark period of my soul.
I could not see light, I was in a pit dark hole.
Bitter. Angry. Pain. Stress. Migraine.
I never had such tremendous physical pain regularly in my life.
Nothing can truly comfort me.
I can only hang on to God, in prayer.
I have a home yet felt homeless.
I could neither find comfort in the house nor in the forest.
When weather hit hard. Cold, Windy. Rainy.
I could run nowhere.
Paralysis. My husband, Jeroen, once said.
That is exactly how I felt.
I could not move but sit cuddle in frozen state the whole day.
In the cold, windy, rainy, moist house.
Most of the time, alone.
Yet God is presence.
Red Robin comes to sing me a love song.
To soothe and comfort me.
Physical, mental, emotional & even spiritual - pain & darkness -
Is worse that I could ever imagine.
Each time I felt I enter into hell.
I seriously don't know how I come out of it.
It just happened one day.
The darkness went away.
The pain went away.
No more migraine.
All I feel deeply within.
Deeper joy. Deeper love.
I can fully receive God's LOVE.
I can truly deeply love myself.
I am who I am.
A Beloved Child of God.
I dare to love deeply & fully, with all my body, heart, mind and soul.
Even I know deep love often brings deep pain.
* Many deep lessons and wisdom are by witnessing 24/7 the Wild and Nature in my Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden. My 5 hens and Ah Bo transform my life. My deepening of Wisdom & Love comes from God who teaches and reveals me through my new home, our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden including our physical house. *
Shalom! Peace-FuLL! Bless-FuLL ! Love-FuLL To you!