Forgiving Self

6 September 2017, Sabbatical Contemplation

The hardest part of being human is forgiving and loving ourselves.
​~ Elizabeth Rutten-Ng

Growing up in a Chinese traditional family, I was taught and told to be obedient, to be a good little girl, to listen, to be kind, to respect, to put others before me and less and less of myself.  I was not allowed to speak my mind and expressed myself.  It was at home and it was also the same in school even in my religions. I was raised as a Buddhist and then became a Catholic.  Little did I realise I became more and more invisible and hardly had a voice.  It did not help when I was abused in many ways and that little girl just disappeared, disappeared into invisibility, and grew more and more inward.  

​I beat myself up very much, very hard, the strong critic voice haunted me all the time. Telling me that I was not good enough. I was a perfectionist.  Many times I can easily forgive others but in fact inside I was a very angry person. The anger was swallowed inwards.  I was a rebel in my own ways.  I became over giving, crossing my personal boundary over and over again, and being taken advantage of my kindness.  The need to please, over please, just to seek approval of others. In my life, I was never accepted for who I was. Yet I was also a rebel, stubborn, persistent, determined and even competitive.  I was blessed enough to have channelled all these anger, competitiveness in a creative way through releasing through sports.  I had an outlet.  I am blessed in many ways that how God has a hand in my life to keep me safe, protect me from further harm or damage.  He was evident in my life as I review my life over the years. I feel so blessed so blessed. 

​I grew up confused with both the need to get approval from my parents and the rebellious nature of being seen for who I am.  

​I grew up as a very angry person yet there is this innate deep connection within my soul. They were times I connect with my soul, God in me, me in God, that gave me tremendous strength to continue in my growing up.  I was blessed that I grew up experiencing spirituality with my grandmother in Buddhism. I only later found out how my grandma was led to Buddhism from my mother.  I learnt that many lessons in life is to lead us to where we are supposed to go in finding our true self and true purpose.  And I also learn when we have not learnt the lesson, it will be repeated till we learn it.

​I wrote in my last blog I was stuck and at a breaking point.  I was very angry.  My anger I again accumulated over the last 5 years or more for crossing my own boundary, I could not hold my anger and I could literally feel my anger in my body. I was hurting inside, so bad, so bad.  I made conscious choice to refrain from social media as I picked up anger and fear. That's how conscious and sensitive I am.  Authentic Movement and Contemplation have developed in me the conscious awareness. The embodiment of conscious awareness has allowed me to listen and to heal myself as I listen to what is going on within. To wake up and to be awakened. I make the choice to be awakened. Like Anthony De Mello wrote in his book 'The Way to Love'.  Many choose to sleep and not be awakened.  What do I want? Clearly from my younger days, probably the influence of spirituality as a little girl, I chose and still choose to be awakened. 

​The breakthrough came when I contemplated on Tuesday morning before I headed off to my Authentic Movement session with Celine.  I could feel my anger in my body.  I acknowledged I am an angry person and love myself even I am angry.  Suddenly I realise I forgot to forgive myself for being angry.  The moment I choose to forgive myself for being angry.  Love and peace overflowed my whole being and my anger disappeared with ease naturally organically. The forgiveness, the conscious act of loving myself unconditionally heals me.  In Authentic Movement, held by Celine, and a conversation before with Nita, I returned once again to peace, reclaiming who I am whether I am an angry person or a loving person. The act of being kind, gentle, compassionate as well as taking a clear boundary as loving myself unconditionally reinstates my peace within.  My deep resonance voice arose into the space while I let myself to be in touch within during the Authentic Movement.  The vastness of my deep voice created a vast space in my being and healed me as I called out to God.  The reclaiming again of my true self of who I am from the beginning till now, loving and embrace every part of me, is who I am. 

​I forgive myself when I judge.
​I forgive myself when I am angry.
I forgive myself when I cross my own boundary.
I forgive myself when I need to please.
I forgive myself when I need to seek approval.
I forgive myself when I fail to love myself.
​I forgive myself when I forget to forgive myself.
​I forgive myself as an act of loving myself unconditionally.
​The hardest part of being human is not forgiving others but forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves unconditionally.
A journey of being kind, compassionate, gentle and loving to self.  

Shalom! I bless you with the spirit of forgiveness and love from my drawing of self. <3

​* My process invites me to hold a workshop in Singapore in March on Embodied Active Listening on Setting Clear Boundary.  Join me as I journey and hold you in the space and you learn the art of embodying active listening to yourself and setting clear boundary as a loving act for yourself.  I see you then. <3