Artist Sacred Dancer Author
Spiritual Mother Gardener
Mama of Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden
Spiritual Mother Gardener
Mama of Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden
Throughout my trekking in the forest over the years, I am always fascinated with feathers, especially birds of prey. I never knew why until I have my own baby hens. Each time Jeroen and I chanced upon a feather, I picked it up and brought home with me.
My baby hens have been with us since July and August. Anna's, Lidunia's and Mary's feathers didn't look very healthy at first when we adopted them. Whereas Bernadette's and Teresa's, we bought them later, theirs glow. I never knew how beautiful soft and warm their feathers are. Now all of them though molting, their feathers glow, even Anna, Lidunia and Mary. They are simply just gorgeous!
I see them fly.
I see them flap their wings.
I see them dust bath.
I see them cleaning their feathers.
I see them tug their head into their feathers to rest or sleep.
I see them spread their wing suntanning in the Sun.
I see them brood their eggs.
I see them how they care for their feathers.
I see how important their feathers are to them.
Keeping them warm.
Protecting them from danger...
Not only hens I witness but the other birds, the Wild, the Buzzards over the 1 year and 7 months, in our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden. All sort of colours and speices, even black... they just glow.
I am a feather
My God carries me
in one breath
under my wings
Under my God's breath
God holds me up
high into the sky
I am a feather.
Autumn following the Nature rhythm has arrived. I see many birds return to our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden, preparing for Winter, getting ready to hibernate.
How do I know?
I cleared my bird nest house, donated by my sister-in-law & her husband. I thought they nest in the bird house when it is breeding time in Spring. I discover something new. The tits who nested their babies in the same bird house, bring in nest materials like straw I used for my hens into the nest house. Preparing for Winter. Such a delight & joy to see them getting ready for Winter and coming home to us.
I went through many challenges staying here over the past 1 year and 7 months. I have doubts. Would I able to take this kind of lifestyle? All of all the challenges, I find myself this morning, a deep love growing in me. I grow more and more in love with my forest home. A deep insight arises for me. I love my life as a hermit, living in the Nature, following Nature's way, Nature's Rhythm.
From a semi-hermit life, I officially declare I am a hermit, living a hermit life, in the Nature.
The hermit life I choose is not the kind where I isolate myself totally and hide in a cave, not doing anything.
The hermit life I embrace is following the Nature's Rhythm and the 4 seasons. Where I work in the spring and summer as the days get longer in my forest, home growing food, home made food, storing food for the Winter. As Autumn and Winter arrive, like the birds, go into hibernation and rest.
My life will be mainly committing my time to my forest home, creating a home, caring for myself, my husband, Jeroen, the Wild and my 5 hens. Looking after a forest home is a full-time 'work'. Sometimes, I find not enough time to do what I need to do. Only when I have time in 2021, I accompany individual in spiritual life direction online. Of course, when we are allowed to travel, I visit my family in Singapore (seriously, I don't know when. The COVID is not becoming any better but worsening again.)
Any visit is solely by appointment, only when I'm ready. That's how I balance my life now, following the Nature's Rhythm as a hermit in the Nature.
* Currently, our forest home is not ready for any appointments. It takes a lot of energy out of me at the moment. NO visit. *
I feel ready to return to writing, to share my experiences on this one whole year of Sabbatical and semi-hermit life, living 24/7 in our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden home.
I never really know what was going to happen. I could not see at all the future nor I could foresee what was to come. All I know is the inner guide of my Wisdom told me to take a year of off - Sabbatical. I have chosen a semi-hermit life after 3 years of discernment in contemplation retreat and 9 months of Sabbatical with Nita; and to move to a quiet farm countryside. We call our home 'Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden'.
If I have not lived 24/7 with the Wild, completely with myself, 9 months most of the time alone, in the cold, dark house last year, I entered into a real dark night of my soul. I could not see clearly what was truly going on. All I know is my dear soul friend, sister, Nita, asked me to hang on. Hang on to God. I had been through very hard times in the past. This was even harder than I could have imagine. Why? Because I am fully conscious. Fully aware. Fully presence. With myself. With God. It is always harder to face myself, what lies truly within consciously.
The Wild, our forest are my companions all these while. Lies in the deep Wisdom of Nature and the Wild. I learn much. They taught me much. Especially about God. Especially about Love. For God is love. Love is God. My first day in our forest home began my intimate close loving relationship with the trees and the Wild. Deepening my love for self. Deepening my love for God. God has always infinitely love me. It is I who just cannot receive God's unconditional infinite love fully. God reveals constantly everyday LOVE to me through the trees and the Wild. Telling me 'I love you dearly my child. And I know you are going through a hard time. Hang on there. I am with you always.'
Creep in the dark night, the dark period of my soul.
I could not see light, I was in a pit dark hole.
Bitter. Angry. Pain. Stress. Migraine.
I never had such tremendous physical pain regularly in my life.
Nothing can truly comfort me.
I can only hang on to God, in prayer.
I have a home yet felt homeless.
I could neither find comfort in the house nor in the forest.
When weather hit hard. Cold, Windy. Rainy.
I could run nowhere.
Paralysis. My husband, Jeroen, once said.
That is exactly how I felt.
I could not move but sit cuddle in frozen state the whole day.
In the cold, windy, rainy, moist house.
Most of the time, alone.
Yet God is presence.
Red Robin comes to sing me a love song.
To soothe and comfort me.
Physical, mental, emotional & even spiritual - pain & darkness -
Is worse that I could ever imagine.
Each time I felt I enter into hell.
I seriously don't know how I come out of it.
It just happened one day.
The darkness went away.
The pain went away.
No more migraine.
All I feel deeply within.
Deeper joy. Deeper love.
I can fully receive God's LOVE.
I can truly deeply love myself.
I am who I am.
A Beloved Child of God.
I dare to love deeply & fully, with all my body, heart, mind and soul.
Even I know deep love often brings deep pain.
* Many deep lessons and wisdom are by witnessing 24/7 the Wild and Nature in my Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden. My 5 hens and Ah Bo transform my life. My deepening of Wisdom & Love comes from God who teaches and reveals me through my new home, our Sanctuary Forest Wild Garden including our physical house. *
Every act of our life can be embodied into LOVE.
Where we are fully presence with God, self and that is all round us.
Even in our little action, the movement in itself can be a loving prayer.
How permaculture, food forest & contemplation flow in as one for me?
Shalom! Blessings! Love To you!